Daddy..Where Art Thou?

Yes I know this site is called "Luv N Ish" but this post has A LOT to do with my love life and lack there of it really..interested to take a read into the my world? By all means..come along, it may shed some light on how I react, why I am so persistant in everything that I do.



"Daddy, Where Art Thou?" Well see, I know where he is..He lives right off of the same main street I live on..he is really like only 15 minutes from me..but I do not see him. So, on Father's Day this day is depressing and sad..it leaves with the thoughts of "what did I do do that was so wrong that my OWN father doesn't want a relationship with me" It leaves me thinking "the ONE man I am supposed to count on was never there for me"..it leaves me thinking "I have to prove myself to everyman because I don't want to disappoint them and have them leave like my father did" but in the back of my mind if they do feel the need to move on, I always knew they would because every man seems to disappoint me.



A complex way of thinking right? Yes, I know..but I have been like this for years. How can a man not want to have a relationship with his own child? Not ready? Too scared? Eh, who knows and for sure I do not have that answer and do now want to sit back and even TRY to understand his thought process.

So, that leads me into my feelings of a man. I may sometimes come off as being "aggressive" but I am really just trying to let the person know my feelings and try to make them understand because I am a huge communicator. Maybe it's because of what I do but I think it's because I didn't have that communication with my father so I always want to make sure me and a guy are on the same page and if were not I want to fix it :-x..I really could go on and on about this topic because a lot of things will tie in..but for now this is it. I wonder if I could turn this blog into a book or something..I swear I'm not the only one feeling like this and I think me writing this is and will help someone, well I hope..till next time :o)

Thanks for reading Lovies!

-Candice Nicole

Being Alone is Something I Have to Accept

At this very moment and I mean this very moment I am fighting back tears but I want to let them fall..but I can't allow myself. Maybe later on tonight when I do some drinking they will fall..I mean the truth does come out then you know?

When I was 21, my BF at the time asked me to marry him..I thought my life my PERFECT! I was in college doing my thing, my BF was a starter on the football team and was destined to get in the NFL and I was like YES, this is it! Long story short, it didn't work out and on my 23rd birthday I basically was starting my life over again. Here I was 23 and was alone, I had the feeling of that no one else would want to be with me, but then someone came my way..he had actually known me from college and had been feeling me then but knew I was in a relationship so never said anything. Our relationship was a very passionate and intense one. I mean he was everything that my ex fiancee was not...but because we rushed into the relationship (and to think I was th eone who was fighting it at first but he kept on and I gave in) it didn't work. That was actually one of the shortest relationships I had been in. I think it was about 8 or 9 months. We still kept in contact with each other and he would tell me that he needed to get himself together, that he wanted to be more for me..he was stringing me along in a way and in a way I was letting him because I loved him and saw a lot for us in the future.. I finally just really had to take a step back and say "Candice, you deserve SO MUCH MORE" I mean I had to keep hope that there would be a man that would come my way that truly loved me and wanted to be with me, supported me, etc. There were other guys that I talked to but didn't have a relationship with and that was just BLAH...but now, I think I have to realize that I will just be alone in life.

What a horrible pill to swallow. I can't actually believe I am typing this right now but I am because that is what is on my mind. My heart is so heavy with emotion I feel like it's going to burst because of the heart ache and dissapoint that feelings brings upon me. I invisioned myself as someone's wife, one that would have a family, a dog, house (yeah sounds brady bunch right?) but that is what I want. However, at 25 that dream is fading away every year, every month, everyday, every minute, every second. How is it that everything else in my life is going well (the 9-5 makes me go crazy, but im blessed to be at one of the top ent companies inthe world) and the love life is at a stand still.

I mean there has to be someone out there right? Or will I just end up being an old maid? I feel myself fading away, like I'm losing myself sometimes. I know as you read this you will be very surprised that I have these thoughts. I know that you think the life I lead is fun and rewarding, as it is..but at the end of the day I am alone with my thoughts. It actually scares me to be alone with my thoughts, as they can be very dangerous for me. My mind is constantly moving so I find myself always needing something going on around me or I will go mad in my own mind. Is it that I'm just a creative person and that's what happens to us?

*SHRUGGS* who knows..but this thing called "LOVE" can be a bitch sometimes..but at the same time it can be very simple..I think it's the people that make it confusing and as I stated in my posts before (I think 2 post before this) one should be HAPPY in the life they are living..but right now as I sit here at my desk, I feel alone and think I will be alone forever..

Being Pushed Away..What Gives?

Well, I am back Lovies..with another entry. Someone told me that they really enjoy my writing and I should make this blog much bigger, but for now, I'm okay with just a few folks knowing about it. I will say that I am SO glad I decided to start this site because this is a great avenue for me to get my emotions out and most of the time ALL of my true feelings will come out in my writing, hey maybe one day I will start writing a book. I think I have a lot of valuable knowledge for young women and would love to share my various stories and how I ended up being such a "broken hearted girl"...but more on that later.

So after my post yesterday someone hit me up and said "you deserve to be a starter, not sitting on the bench" they began to tell me all of these great things they see and me and it made me felel nice, you know? I mean when anyone recognizes your worth that feels good, but especially someone who doesn't even know you like that.

Well anywho, this post is about being pushed away and for the life of me I don't know why folks want to push the people away who have been there for them. I was surfing the net looking for a picture on how I felt and I found this still shot from "Kung Fu Panda". I know most of you may laugh at it and I chuckled myself but yeah, that is how I feel..

yeah, a bit much huh? but that is it. Feels like being kicked in the ass kind of..like WHY PUSH SOMEONE AWAY WHO HAS BEEN DOWN FOR YOU? Someone who has ACCEPTED you and your flaws and many other things, but has stood by you. Hmm, how soon do people forget what you have done for them. It's not the first time that has happened to me. It's happend with a friendship where I felt like I was always getting the short end of the stick but when it's someone your talking to it's a whole other ball game. So what is a girl to do? Well, I chose to blog about my feelings now and maybe he will see it and understand how I feel. In the end it is what it is and if someone wants to end up miserable and ALONE in life, you can't place the blame on anyone else but YOURSELF...

So, to end this post I will say remember who has been there for you and who has been holding you down because eventually one will just ease up and let you walk alone..

Too Scared to Be HAPPY..Is This YOU?

So as I sit here writing this I have a lot on my heart. I will try my best to express my feelings in the correct way, so please bare with me. It may seem a bit jumbled, but that's how my emotions are right now..

At this very moment I am second guessing myself and my worth. I love this man who is too scared to be happy. I know and he knows he is unhappy with his situation in life right now but he is too scared to make a move..so do I make that move for him? Do I step away? Yeah, it's easier said then done. I know a lot of you will say "Candice..move one, he's not worth it" but deep down I know he is. I can see myself building with him (personal & business) I can see us being each other's best friend and confiding to each other about any and everything. I have ALWAYS been a person to fight for what I wanted and to take what I wanted, because in life nothing will be handed to you. However, when does it become too much? When do you know when to stop fighting? Would they fight for me?

I feel sorry for people who want to remain miserable and unhappy. You have one life and it is your DUTY and your RIGHT to make the best of it. Be blessed that you are here in this world. Yes, I know we all complain but at the end of the day we all need to consider ourselves being blessed and we need to be HAPPY. I have to say I found myself too scared to be happy once before but I woke up one day and said "why not candice" You have a lot to offer someone. Yeah, that is another thing..hoping that someone will know your worth..and all I have to say about that is "if you dont see his/her worth, someone else will" and "another man's trash can be another man's treasure"

If you want to constantly hang someone out there to dry they will eventuall dry off and walk away.......

So all I can say is that if you do find someone that makes you happy, hold on to that person because you don't know when you will find it again..so I guess it goes back to the orginal question "Too Scared to Be Happy?"..I guess the future will hold that answer..

Thanks for reading Lovies
-Candice Nicole