Being Alone is Something I Have to Accept

At this very moment and I mean this very moment I am fighting back tears but I want to let them fall..but I can't allow myself. Maybe later on tonight when I do some drinking they will fall..I mean the truth does come out then you know?

When I was 21, my BF at the time asked me to marry him..I thought my life my PERFECT! I was in college doing my thing, my BF was a starter on the football team and was destined to get in the NFL and I was like YES, this is it! Long story short, it didn't work out and on my 23rd birthday I basically was starting my life over again. Here I was 23 and was alone, I had the feeling of that no one else would want to be with me, but then someone came my way..he had actually known me from college and had been feeling me then but knew I was in a relationship so never said anything. Our relationship was a very passionate and intense one. I mean he was everything that my ex fiancee was not...but because we rushed into the relationship (and to think I was th eone who was fighting it at first but he kept on and I gave in) it didn't work. That was actually one of the shortest relationships I had been in. I think it was about 8 or 9 months. We still kept in contact with each other and he would tell me that he needed to get himself together, that he wanted to be more for me..he was stringing me along in a way and in a way I was letting him because I loved him and saw a lot for us in the future.. I finally just really had to take a step back and say "Candice, you deserve SO MUCH MORE" I mean I had to keep hope that there would be a man that would come my way that truly loved me and wanted to be with me, supported me, etc. There were other guys that I talked to but didn't have a relationship with and that was just BLAH...but now, I think I have to realize that I will just be alone in life.

What a horrible pill to swallow. I can't actually believe I am typing this right now but I am because that is what is on my mind. My heart is so heavy with emotion I feel like it's going to burst because of the heart ache and dissapoint that feelings brings upon me. I invisioned myself as someone's wife, one that would have a family, a dog, house (yeah sounds brady bunch right?) but that is what I want. However, at 25 that dream is fading away every year, every month, everyday, every minute, every second. How is it that everything else in my life is going well (the 9-5 makes me go crazy, but im blessed to be at one of the top ent companies inthe world) and the love life is at a stand still.

I mean there has to be someone out there right? Or will I just end up being an old maid? I feel myself fading away, like I'm losing myself sometimes. I know as you read this you will be very surprised that I have these thoughts. I know that you think the life I lead is fun and rewarding, as it is..but at the end of the day I am alone with my thoughts. It actually scares me to be alone with my thoughts, as they can be very dangerous for me. My mind is constantly moving so I find myself always needing something going on around me or I will go mad in my own mind. Is it that I'm just a creative person and that's what happens to us?

*SHRUGGS* who knows..but this thing called "LOVE" can be a bitch sometimes..but at the same time it can be very simple..I think it's the people that make it confusing and as I stated in my posts before (I think 2 post before this) one should be HAPPY in the life they are living..but right now as I sit here at my desk, I feel alone and think I will be alone forever..